Jon Lajoie - Cold Blooded Christmas

It was late at night on Christmas eve I was dreaming of the soft white snow I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree What it was i did not know It was Santa clause he was bringing me some gifts Unfortunately i did not know that So i quietly snuck up behind him And i shot him five times in the back It went pow pow pow pow pow He said "what the xxxx ow ow ow" Then i shot him three more times in the head Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead That's when i noticed his blood-soaked beard And his red suit filled with bullet holes I said "oh my god i killed Santa clause I'm not going to jail for this asshole" So i went to my shed and i got my saw And i started to choppipty chop chop I started with his arms then his legs then his head And then the torso was a really long job And the blood went spurt spurt spurt It was really hard work work work It was hard cutting through his spine I must have vomited sixteen times I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose Eleven hours later there was nothing left And that's when i heard my telephone It was auntie jean looking for uncle bob She said "he left the house dressed as Santa clause But he didn't come home last night Have you seen him god i hope he's alright"