“Weird Al” Yankovic - Close But No Cigar

Jillian was her name She was sweeter than aspartame Her kisses reconfigured my DNA And after that I never was the same And I loved her even more than Marlon Brando loved soufflé She was gorgeous, she was charming Yeah, she was perfect in every way Except she was always using the word "infer" When she obviously meant "imply" And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing But frankly, I can't imagine why And I told her, I said... Hey, are we playing horseshoes, honey? No, I don't think we are You're close... But no cigar Then I met sweet young Janet Prettiest thing on the planet Had a body hotter than a habañero She had lips like a ripe pomegranate And I was crazy like Manson about her She got me all choked up like Mama Cass She had a smile so incredibly radiant You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass I thought after all these years of searchin' around I'd found my soul mate finally But one day I found out she actually owned a copy Of "Joe Dirt" on DVD Aw, no... I said... Hey, are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo? No, I don't think we are You're close Aw, so very close Yeah, baby, you're close, so close But no cigar Julie played water polo She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near My heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich solo And she was everything I've dreamed of She moved right up to #1 on my list And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire Bikini supermodel astrophysicist? Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron Look like a big fat slobberin' pig The only caveat is one of her ear lobes Was just a little tiny bit too big I said... Hey, are we doin' government work here? No, I don't think we are You're close! So very, very close Aw, baby, you're close, so close But no cigar Missed it by that much Aw yeah, all right Really, really, really close But no cigar